My Life.... Uncensored

Childhood in Minor

2009-07-07T00:12:00.001-07:00

I am fucked beyond believe. In need of serious help and in need of a good paying job. Not only a good paying job but a job that offers health insurance. The day that I find out that there are chances of me being bipolar, I find out that I have three weeks left under my parents insurance. If I was depressed earlier today, I am even more depressed now that I've found these news. Thanks dad for ruining my job at McDonald's and thank you mom for ruining my whole God damned life!

I don't know if I actually am better off alive or dead. This little discovery of me possibly being bipolar has me not only in a depression but wanting to cut and hurt myself in any way possible. I am already dead to be honest. I feel absolutely numb; a numbness that takes me back to the age of 17. It makes me remember a time when every little bit of me went so wrong. And again, I am going wrong and it hurts.

So how this all of this began? First of all, as you have noticed, I am suffering from insomnia. It has been like this for at least the past three months. Certainly and unmistakably, I've been having odd mood swings towards everyone for the past months too. Not only; there was a time when my buttons were not easily pushed, now people can easily make me snap at anything. I can't say any more at the moment. If I do, I'm afraid I might do something regretful. I am on the verge and once I do it, the rush will come over me and make me do it over again and again and again. To the point that the next time I see my friends, they will be the one snapping at me and a snapping contest will occur and of course, I will be the one biting heads off. I don't want this. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate the people who gave me life. I totally hate the people who gave life to the people who gave me life. My whole family can go to hell for all I care. They never cared about me and that brings another thing.

My best friend Cristina and I had a HUGE argument on Saturday (4th of July) because well, we started talking about high school and college and she started saying that maybe the reason that I am not college material is because I don't apply myself to which I got in her face, in public, at someone else's house and said something in the line of "maybe you should butt out of my life and allow me live my life however I want it." That hurt her feelings to the point that she cried. Look, I am not used to people caring about me. Once I see that people care about me, I do anything possible to push them away. Why you ask? Here is why; everytime I wanted MY PARENTS to care a bit more about me, I was ignored. What's the point of having a baby if it isn't to take care of her and love her? I never got love or caring from my parents. The one person who really cared about me was my grandfather. He was my primary provider when I was a child and I thank him for that. Unfortunately he past away almost 5 years ago and I am stuck with these two monsters.

Speaking of monsters, Greg is back in the picture. I want to tell him about the shocking discovery me and my friends made about myself. Maybe that will finally scare him away and he will be out of the picture forever. I am so sick of him. I did prayed for his sister Virginia since she just recently had her baby, one month before her due date. I truly hope both her and the baby will be alright.

Speaking of children, with this little discovery me and my friends made, I am now very afraid of having children. I don't want them to go through the same things I went through. I don't want to be a bad mother like my mom was. Why is ti that every time she asks me if she has been a bad mom I say no? I don't want to hurt her feelings so I lie. Well, the truth will be out sooner or later.

I have to go now.

The Great Divide

2009-05-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

"United we stand, divided we fall"... for some reason the title of the song I am listening to right now and this quote that I have posted makes me think of all that is going on in my mind after the phone call I just got today. Why did he had to call me and tell me that he still loves me? I'm so confused but yet so deadly addicted to him still. I can't breathe if I don't have him near for he is my oxygen. I can't see if I can't see him for he is my eyes, I am numb without him, for he is all my senses. I thought I'd be over him, I felt like I was over him... but here I am, backing down of that anger and rage and feeling the rush of love deep within. "No matter what, I am yours" he said and I believe it. It has been this way for the past year. Yes, love hurts but I never imagined it would hurt this much. What a damn bittersweet love affair! It's like I am in this world where no one saves me well but him but that's not true... I know it isn't true. My head is aching, but no more than my heart. What to do? What to think? What to say? What to love? 45683968... forever.

Another Letter

2009-05-19T10:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Gregory:

Maybe these will be the words you never wanted to hear, words that I've had hidden inside of me for so long that I almost forgot to say, but even though I am friends with your new girl I have to let them out before it is too late. Last night at church was the hardest and most tearful night ever. I haven't cried as much as I did since the day you left me, PREGNANT with our daughter Angel. I bet you are glad she is dead! You don't miss her, you don't even remember that today would have been her birthday. No, you are so succumbed in your life and raising a baby with April and I am happy about that, but Angel is your first child, dead or alive she is your first baby. I've been going back and forward on how to say this, how to actually express this ANGER that I've had in me built up for almost 7 years. You hurt me! But not only me, you caused Angel to die! Had I had your guidance even if you were 14 at the time, I know she would have been here with ME since I know YOU didn't care of her. Even though she is dead I love her and it's about time that I say this to you; I will always love her more that I love you. In fact, you are more dead to me that she is. Dead and gone and rotting in hell. I know your girlfriend will the the one reading this but who gives! Maybe I want her to read it, it will show her who you really are. Maybe just to my eyes, but I am sure every other girl you've dated could say the same thing about you. You are the devil who is always attacking from the back. You are evil and I am not going to take this anymore. I'm done loving you. To be honest, since we were finally and officially over I haven't cried for you or felt love with you. You are just the same 14 year old boy I knew in the body of a 20 year old. I wish April luck on dealing with you as well as any other girl you may date, because I am not going back to you when things with her or any other girl gets tough. I applaud you for doing what you are doing with April, that's a truly generous thing of you to do, but WHY didn't you do the same to me the moment I was pregnant with YOUR child? It really hurts that you did this to me; dispose me when I needed you the most. You threw me out like garbage the day that I was going to tell you that you were going to be a father. How could you be so cruel to someone who loved you as much as I did? I wonder if you knew why I am writing this letter to you today. I told you what to day would have been about a year ago but in case you forgot here is all I can say; Happy Birthday Angel Christine Wilson! I am glad you never met your father, the asshole who over and over has shattered my heart and filled me with many evil thoughts. He is the reason I saw death a year and a few days after I miscarriaged you. I'm done with his kind; the heartless heart-stomping backstabbing players who pretend that they will not play a girl or hurt one and in the end they do. Goodbye to you Gregory, now and forever. My heart is now open again, to anyone but you. I wish you the best with April and whomever else you might be with. She knows you lied to us the other night on text. You told me not to tell her that you were awake but I did. Still a liar! I don't buy one bit what you told me two weeks ago. Nah, you don't love me! You never loved me one bit. You know what? If you did loved me, you would at least TRY to THINK about YOUR FIRST DAUGHTER ANGEL A LITTLE MORE!

Ellie

A Letter

2009-05-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel:

We are only a few days away from the day that would have been your birthday. Six years already if you had been born. My darling girl I miss you so much. The sky has been clouding up the past few days, since yesterday, a week before your day and I know why. It isn't that we need precipitation here in Florida, though we do need it; those are the tears that I don't have the courage to cry. I do want to cry, shed a few tears for missing you. Then I am not the only one who misses you. There is someone else; a someone that you know and hopefully you are watching over but we could have done without then and now. I some times think that I would do just about anything to be with you and baby you know I would, but only time will put us together once again. I have to keep on living for you. Even if it kills me to be constantly missing you, if it hurts so much not to have you here, I will wait for the day I will naturally depart from the face of the Earth and have you by my side. Just to think that you'd be in the First grade by next August. I still remember when I was in first grade. Wearing my cute little uniform jumper at the Catholic school my family had me in and making those amazing friends that to this day I still have. But nothing compares to the friends that are here with me. The ones I met in college. Just to think that I won't see you go away to college makes me really sad. There is just so much that I would have loved to see you do but I know there will come a day when I will give you a little sister or brother who will go through all the things you could not. Up there in Heaven is more likely to be better than here on Earth anyway, so don't you complain. I love you Angel Christine! With all my heart and soul, I love you!

Always with love,

Mom

(Angel Christine- miscarried on October 16 2002)

Can't Get You Out of My Head

2009-03-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to change the lyrics of this with "Can't Get Joe Out of My Head"... oh the beauty of having a crush, right? Whatever, I better be careful if I hear this song tomorrow since there is a high chance that I will be spending the whole day with him and my gang. Well, he is already becoming part of my gang. This is going to be a lot of fun and mom better not ruin it for me. I am going to try to stay at Cristina's on Saturday night also since we will be coming back home so late. I can't wait for all this fun to begin.

Just the thought of spending a whole day with my best friends at my favorite amusement park makes me extremely happy. I'm static! But at the same time, I'm a bit blank at thoughts.

There has been a lot of drama going on. First with people I thought they were my friends. Jani, Maya's ex girlfriend point her out on a myspace blog, a thing that no one should really do. I mean, it is hurtful and absolutely inconsiderate to do a thing like that. Then my no longer friend Lauren had to go and call MY BEST FRIEND a bitch. That right there is trouble for her. One, it shows that she is a hypocritical Christian, a two face and a backstabber and not only that but it also shows that she IS a bitch too. Takes one to know one you know?

Last, so, I haven't told you about this but I am absolutely over Greg. Last week, I think it was on the 18th, he called me and I told him clearly that I don't want to see him or speak to him for a while since I am really trying to get over him. I'm over him but last night I wasn't too sure about it. He called me yesterday asking me when I was going to be home alone. I told him that if it was for sex he could forget it. He wanted to talk but again I asked him if he had forgotten about all that I said before. I don't want to see him or speak with him for a while. Let me skipped to the part that made me angry and what hurt the most. He considers bullshit all that I said about me loving him and waiting for him. I did love him, I LOVED HIM FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS, but I am not one that is going to sit around and wait for him. I want to be with someone who will love me for myself. Love the quiet party trouble girl that I am and won't change me a bit. Like I told my best friend, I rather be with someone who will admit that he is a player than with someone who will deny it. Greg won't see in a million years that he is a player. He hurt me badly last summer when he promised me that he won't leave me for another woman and still did that. What hurt the most is how even after he called her a nobody he still defended her from my trash talk. And to top it all, he had the guts to hurt me even more when knowing that I still had strong feelings for him after our breakup he would tell me about all the hook ups he has been having. Oh yeah, something I left out, I am not the only girl who he has fucked without protection. There has been a few too. Fucking asshole. Hope his dick falls out or one of these bitches cuts it off. Well, he is no longer in my life and I am glad. I don't need him. Maybe I never did but I do damn the day and time I met him.

The worse part of all of this is that first, I couldn't look at Hachiko and Agatha for a while. I mean, I got those dogs when I was dating him and they remind me of him. Fucking sucks but what sucks more is that it all made me depressed. This is it, goodbye for probably forever. So what do I do when I am depressed? I cut. I have a few new ones on me and I just feel like shit. I mean it, I AM shit! But it was about time for us to part with closure. We had to say goodbye and end all of this. Now I am free to date anyone I please, as long as they end up being alright by my peers. I mean it, if my friends don't like the guy I date, my peers comes first, I will kick him to the curb.

This is a long rant, but a longer one will come this weekend. Later gator!

Out Of Control

2009-03-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yes! I is back! Finally I am back after a long LONG weekend of fun, drinking, drugs and sex. Yeah yeah, not to mention amazing cosplays and S.C.I.E.N.C.E. F.I.C.T.I.O.N! Just like the title of my blog and the U2 song I am now hearing, my weekend was absolutely out of control. Wanna party with this green fairy? Man, I'm too wild for you.

Anyway, the weekend actually started for me on Thursday. I was picked up from my house at about 13:30 or 14:00 by my friends Cristina, Corie and Maya and from my house we made a quick stop at Party City so that Maya could get her Yu-Gi-Oh Witty Phantom hat. We were having way to much fun at the store too. I am dead serious. Well, who wants to play with the balls with herpes? (a ball with glitter) After PC we went to Cristina's house and watched a Asian Horror Film Marathon as well as ate Chinese food. OMG! WTF? LOL! All I can remember is that I finally know what my friends are talking about when they say Dumplings and what's Box all about. But man, what a bunch of twisted shit I watched. Anyway, I tried to go to bed at about 00:30 but that totally did not work. First Maya and Cristina plotted some kind of wake-up Ellie in the middle of her sleep thing and Maya crawled to my corner and screamed "Pool's Closed" which of course woke me up with a scream. I just couldn't sleep and at 02:00, Joe; Cristina's cousin, came in the room and woke me the fuck up again. I ended up texting Greg about what was going on and he just laughed. ASS! Anyway, I shall get my payback at those three somehow. Demonic Ellie lives! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I think I did slept. Just a guestimation, I went to bed at about 03:30 or so.

Well on Friday I was up by 09:00 and so was everyone else, I assume. We got all ready for our drive to International Drive and the Convention Center. If I am not mistaken we stayed at Cristina's house until about 11:30 or so in the morning since her and Corie were waiting for their checks to come. Well I didn't minded waiting. I was able to take some pictures, take a shower, and dress up as Komatsu Nana from NANA. It was all good. Well, we left the house, packed the car with some snacks and drove to Albertson's where Cristina and Corie works to get their checks.

After Albertson's we began our ride to International Drive. Our first stop was the Days Inn where we stayed and to our surprise our room was right next to Donny's; Cristina's brother and Joe's; her cousin. We left our things in the room. Of course, we had to make a few trips back and foward to the car since Maya brought what look the Costume Wardrobe of a High School Drama Class. Hey, it was all for the fun of cosplaying at an awesome convention. I made use of a lot of her things like at least two wigs and a set of butterfly/fairy wings. We stayed in the room for a good half hour before hitting the sidewalk that would take us to the Convention Center. We took some pictures and told a few jokes. It was good. After unloading the car, we walked down to the Convention Center which was in the same sidewalk as the hotel. YAY for no crossing streets. Anyway, we get there and the first thing we do is get our tickets, or better After getting the wristbands, we went straight to the Dealer's Room. That was fun! I walked for a while looking for the NANA live action movies and some other cool things and to my surprise I found that they were selling NANA volume 15 which came out yesterday! I bought it for less than usual; $7.50 and boy was I happy! Well after that I looked around for the movies and found them. Both NANA and NANA 2 where sold for $22.00 which came to $44.00 in total. That makes my first day spenses to a total of $51.50 which I don't consider too bad. I do find that odd because I came to the con with only $120 in my pocket and I gave Cristina about $40 for the hotel and gas. Well anyway, it was good.

Well, Friday night was crazy as fuck! I mean it! After the trip to the convention center and getting the stuff we wanted to get from the Dealer's Room, Corie, Cristina and I went to McD's and had our dinner. After having some fun at McD's we went back to the hotel where of course, first thing I did was take a nice hot shower and shave my legs since the next day I was going to be wearing a nice short skirt. The idea was to spend some time in the bedroom and later go down to the Convention Center to do some Karaoke. That didn't happen because Cris wasn't feeling well and me being the good friend that I am stayed with her and Corie. A few hours later, Maya and the boys come back to the hotel and of course since our rooms where one right next to the other, both Donny and Joe would come quite a while to our room. Around 22:00 Maya cranks open her pint of Captain Morgan and drinks it all up in the next few hours. Drunk Maya is absolutely hilarious. The videos below has to do with her drunken ass. I mean, it is just that funny. Well, another funny thing was me and my pajamas. I was wearing super shorts that looked as if I was wearing just underwear. Whatever! I make those short-shorts look hot! Well with my Naruto hoodie everyone thought I wasn't wearing anything. LOL! Anyway, I spent a while watching NANA and then I see Maya come in the room and start drinking. The the boys came and suddenly they left again.

Maya was just the funniest thing when she was drunk. She started imitating our hotel room's toilet which cracked me up and killed me with how much I laughed, and then I decided to put "If You Seek Amy" by Britney Spears and she just started dancing. Now, this is the funniest thing ever. I still feel bad for the guys cause she just woke them up bad. Cristina dared Maya in all her drunkness to go to the boys room and say "Surprise! Butt Sex!" as one of them opened the door. OMG WTF?! Maya was called an asshole by Joe and he came to the room with a cup of cold water that he was planning on dumping on Maya's head. LOL! Anyway, he stayed in our room for a while and well, unfortunately this one video is on Cristina's laptop and not on mine but we played "cheeseball basketball." I was throwing the cheeseballs and Joe was catching them with his mouth. When Cristina decides to record it, he gets the cheeseball in his mouth. I was like "score!" LOL. Then we all do the "Chubby Bunny" with the cheeseballs. Cristina got at least seven cheeseballs in her mouth, all at the same time. Corie got about ten or so. I can't remember how many did Maya got in her mouth, all I can remember is her drunkness, but Joe did about 15 cheeseballs and I had eight. Me being the explicit bitch I say "yup, that's what eight years of giving blowjobs does to you," and that kept going the flirting between me and Joe. Seriously, I don't need to be drunk to be open and say things like that.

Well, for all I know, we didn't go to sleep until about 04:00 in the morning. I had to tell Maya a few times to keep it quiet and sober up.

Next day we woke up around 09:00 and thank goodness Maya had sobered up. Well, we all get dressed, but Maya had to change costumes about three times after attempting to be Fortuneteller Hisoka from Yami No Matsuei and some other character that I can't remember. All I know is that around noon Corie and I leave to find a branch of my bank that is near by and when we come back she was dressed differently, as a bellydancer. It was cool. I was dressed all in black and it looked awesome! I had my short black skirt, a pirate looking shirt, lolita stockings and black boots. I LOOKED HOT! That day I got a chibi Coco and Kiki from Gaia Online. I was so happy to get them and well, it was all cool. After being in the Dealer's Room, we hear from Donny that Joe has gone M.I.A. Apparently he met some people and decided to get his ass absolutely wasted and drunk. First Maya, now Joe? What about me? I wanted to pull a JaCon 2007 on this MegaCon and guess what... keep reading fucker!

We head back again to the hotel, take a swim at the cold ass swiming pool and later we head back to the room and get ready for the rave. BTW, the hotel room looked like the midwest of the USA after a tornado thanks to Maya! OMG WTF? Such a mess! Corie called Domino's for pizzas while Cristina was in the shower and after she gets out I hopped in and took a nice shower again. This time, I was so hyped up about raving that I began being a bit obsene in the shower. She thinks I was masturbating in there but, I will just let her imagination go with a flow. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Right at the moment when the delivery guy comes in the room to deliver the pizzas I decide to scream "OH! I'M SO WET!!!" which makes the delivery guy ask to my friend "Did I came early?" When she told me about that, I laughed for a long time. After all that I decided to scream "I'M A FUCKABLE DOLL!" Well, I looked super hot for this rave and I totally mean that. I was wearing this awesome outfit that you all are about to see.

The Rave was HOT! I mean, the music was awesome and I danced more than ever. I spent about an hour and a half on the dance floor, dropping it like it's hot! After the rave Cris and I took a lot of pictures around the Convention Center as well as at our hotel room. After a while, we keep hearing about Joe by either Donny telling us of his wereabouts or Joe himself calling Corie to tell him what's going on. We all, including me, were worried about him. He found himself on I-4 all by himself. Thankfully he found some people who were staying at a Howard Johnson that was near our Days Inn and at 02:00 Maya and I found him at the Days Inn playground.

Here is where I begin to have fun. Maya and I start up the whole "let's find Joe" from the fourth floor which is were our room is. She dares me to scream out his name but I refuse. I don't know why I chickened out but I did. Well, then she dares me to scream out "milkshake" which I did. WTF? I couldn't scream Joe but I could scream out milkshake. Boy am I weird? Anyway, I decide by myself to go down to the playground just for the fun of it. Once I get there I decide to videotape the crazy drunk people getting into the pool and as I was doing that, some dude named Ivan came up to me and began having a conversation with me. Basically I was looking so hot that he was flirting with me and hitting on me. That went on for a while. Then I just decided to sit down and when I stand up and turn around, there was Joe. He had a super surprised look on his face and says "Where have you been?" I don't know why I did this but I just began to laugh. Seriously, that was a WTF moment for me. Well, it was all good. Ivan, some other dude and I grabbed some vodka from the other dude's car and someone, brought out some weed to the playground. Yup, here I am having some fun; getting drunk and high. Joe actually kept and eye on me while I was smoking weed. He even told me not to do it if I wasn't feeling too comfortable. Well, it was alright. Somehow, while we were down at the playground we kept our distance which Ivan took to his advantage and kept flirting with me. Here comes me in all my explict attitude and I tell both Ivan and Joe, "Finally I am having part of the fun I've been searching for. I am getting drunk." Joe asks, "Part of the fun? What's the other part?" "I wanna fuck!" Both of them looked at me and made their comments. Ivan was like "I wish I had a room in here," but Joe in some kind of defensive way said "I wouldn't let my girlfriend go someplace with a drunk stranger." I'm still thankful for that one.

After a while I read a text that Maya sent me saying to text her whenever I wanted to go back in the room. I showed that to Joe and he offered to have me sleep that night in his room. I being the considerate girl that I am, took his offer so that all the other three could sleep in what was my room for one night. I texted Maya back and she understood. Not long after that, Joe started telling me that he was up for going back to the room whenever I wanted to. Seriously, after a while, Ivan was making me feel really uncomfortable and when Joe was saying his goodbyes I decided to do the same and leave the area up for the room with Joe. In the elevator he asked me if that guy; Ivan, was making me feel uncomfortable and I told him that he had no idea. I also mentioned that I needed to use the bathroom really bad to what he kind of took advantage of the situation and waited outside the bathroom door for our hook up.

Yes, I hooked up with Joe; the cousin of my best friend. Amazingly, I was in complete awe on how good it all turned out to be. I mean it, the boy can kiss! I thought Greg's kisses were good but Joe's are way better. Of course, I could taste alcohol in his mouth and I am sure he could taste a mix of alcohol and drugs in mine but I don't care. Those kisses to this day are driving me nuts. I know you are reading this Cris, but hey, I am being openly honest in here.

I am not going to get in details on what happened in our hour in the bathroom but I can tell you that it took just about that long. I know that he was totally enjoying my oral talents just as I enjoyed much more than just his kisses. To be a hook up, he was quite a gentleman too. I actually asked him if I was going to sleep on the floor and he said "no way, sleep in the bed," and that I did and so did he. We slept in the same bed but not so quite together. There was no cuddling involved and seriously, I had my back turned the other way, not facing him.

Let me put it this way, I BARELY SLEPT! It was so bloody cold in that room that my nose was getting clogged up and a million of different things where going through my head. I did the unthinkable but anyway, with all the flirting we've been having and not only but the way he's been acting around me, it was destiny, this hook up was meant to happen and practically this was the same things that Cristina, Corie and Maya were saying to me the next day when I went back into my room. Actually, I don't even know which was my room. 434 was originally my room but I also slept in 432. Flipping insane!

We packed and by 11:30 we had the things back in the car. Since I slept in my rave clothes and decided not to shower, I went back to the Convention in the same clothes, but with a twist, I did not wear my hot pink tutu, but did wore a mask on my mouth. Jokingly I said that this mask makes me guilty of having sex. Then again, while we were in the room I denied to Cristina that I did anything with her cousin, but the comment totally made it out public to at least Cristina's, Corie's and Maya's ears.

So anyway, Sunday we go one last time to the Dearler's Room and I buy the mask that I am wearing in this picture. Like I said before, I had no time to take a shower after coming out of Joe's and Donny's room so I just wore the same clothes I was wearing for the rave. I remember how I slept; I wore my leggins, my hoodie and my undies to bed. You all know the rest; I didn't looked at Joe while he slept in the same bed that I was sleeping in nor cuddled with him. That in my mind would have been too much. But I can't forget that even though he was drunk, he was quite a gentleman to me. After a while, I hung out of the Dealer's room and stayed in a corner of the convention center with Cristina and Corie. That was fun too. After all that, we did some Karaoke, and we fucking killed 'em! I sang "Out Tonight" from Rent and seriously, I did it good!

Best MegaCon Ever! Full with stories that I will tell my kids when they are in the craddle! Signing out with a Surprise Butt Sex!

Ellie

PS. Here is a little sneak pic of me and Joe. Enjoy! And yes, I DO HAVE THE TOTAL HOTS FOR HIM!!!!

PSS. Who's Greg? I am over him already! w00t!

My Life Would Suck Without You

2009-02-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
I can't stop listening to this song. Seriously,
this is me and Greg's relationship sung by Kelly.
To top it, guess who are going to be seeing her
at Universal Studios Mardi Gras on March 28th?
Cristina, Corie, Maya, Greg and I. I didn't
know until yesterday that Greg likes Kelly C's
music.

So yesterday Greg finally came over to speak with my
parents. I already told you guys that my mom wanted
an apology from him. I don't really know if she even
let him speak enough, but all I know is that she spoke
HARSHLY and even YELLED at him. What I am still
mad about is the fact that she mentioned the whole
self-injury and suicide issue. Yes, it is true that I cut
SEVEN TIMES in my left arm the days that everything
exploded and lead us to the break up, but she didn't have
to be so harsh and bring that us. I know she was doing it
to protect me and to let him know to never hurt me like
he did, but there's no need for that now.

So we are taking it really slow right now. We act like we
are a couple at times but truly we are more like friends.
WE ARE FRIENDS! He isn't looking for a relationship
at the moment and trustfully, neither am I, but I am not
going to start dating anyone at the moment because I am
very loyal and faithful to my feelings, and my feelings are
all for Greg. He knows this and surprisingly enough, he
does have feelings for me still. Not as strong as mine are,
but they are there. It's hard to look at him as a friend now,
but sooner or later we are going to attempt to establish a
healthy relationship like the one we had back in March.
Though, truly, I think it is now when we are going to get
stronger since we are not jumping in the relationship wagon
right up from this moment. We talk, we fuck, we make jokes,
but at the same time we are friends and even though we are
friends we have a bunch of imperfections that we are trying
to get rid off too. We want to finish school, that is reason
number one for us to actually not be in a relationship. As soon
as both of us are done with the schooling we are doing, we
might try things again. We have a year to decide if we want to
stick together and be what we used to be or stay as friends
and perhaps date other people. Then again, chances are that we
will end up together; we have too many bonds with each other,
bonds that can't be broken.

So my mother has set a few rules to us. Of course, me being the
headstrong person that I am, will break these rules every now
and then. First there is the rule of us only seeing each other while
my parents are at home. She is doing this so we don't have sex and
not have the fiasco that we had last summer of me having a scare,
which I did had again. That last few months I was thinking I was
pregnant. I even had two positive tests. I either was and lost the
baby again, or just had a scare. Most likely I had another loss
since I had two positive tests. I am not crying about it because I
already went through this before. Whatever, in a couple of years I
am so going to try again. All I know is that I am forcing myself to
take the medication I need to take to bring my period back and I am
going on birth control. All for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Second rule is that he can't text me as much as we used to text each
other. We broke that rule today already just because he didn't
called me last night to let me know if he got home alright. The last
rule was to not call me after midnight on weekdays. Boo hoo! If I
want to talk to him I will have him call me whenever. Who is she to
be controlling my life still? That rule of not having him come over
when I am alone is so going to be broken. At least once in a while.
Once a month I like to have sex and with him. So what's the point
of that rule if I know deep inside it will be broken?

She says that she has ways to know if I have been fucking with him
or not. What, is she telling my front door neighbor to keep an eye on
me and see who is coming or going from this house? Paranoid much?
She needs to know that I am an adult and I need to be treated like one.
Because my friends do the childish thing, though I still love them to
DEATH for doing this, of taking me to Build-A-Bear to build me a
Hello Kitty I am still a child who needs to be babysat? She is so wrong!
Didn't she made mistakes at my age? I am not some little girl! I am a
woman and sometimes this woman have needs, sexual needs and I don't
want to have sex with other guys, just with Greg. At least she should
know that I am not screwing other people. That I've always had sex with
Greg and no one else. She is such a paranoid loser and it makes me sick!

My friends are other who are being a bit too much for me at the moment.
Then again, they all are doing it with the best interest in mind. I am not
some slut or whore who is always having sex with him. Like I said before,
I do admit that before yesterday we were seeing each other to just fuck,
but now things will change. To be honest, I am not going to have sex with
Greg at all in the next six months or so. I am going to give it a try to not
do anything sexual with him for that long. If in that time my parents can
begin to trust him a bit more, later on we might be able to get lucky, if you
know what I mean.I am just going to wait a little while until me and him
can start doing it again. It might suck for him, but if I was able to go from
August 2007 until March of 2008 without sex, so can he with me. I mean,
I know he is doing some other girls, especially one who is in some kind of
shaky relationship, and he is not the boyfriend, but he did told me honestly
that it is a fling what him and "Vero Beach girl" are having. He is planning
on ending it soon. So here I am, giving everything time and expecting for
this now friendship to go a little further in a few years. Let's see what will
happen.

♥Ellie♥

Not Gonna Get Us

2009-02-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

Forgive and forget; that's something that I've learned to do towards everyone, including him. I've forgiven Greg for all that happened last summer and forgotten all he did already. He cheated on me? When? See, I forgot about it!

So today, while riding on my mom's car with Hachiko, I had an über serious talk with her and told her the truth. Okay, let me get to the point but first tell you the whole deal about my mother's now almost failed "Anti Greg Wilson" campaign. When I told her in September of last year that we were speaking again, she flipped and did a 360 cartwheel! The first thing she ever said was "I don't want to see him at my house!" Not only this, but she did said that if he was ever on the road with car problems she would find a way to help him. Now, when he called me asking me if it was possible for my mother to put a good word at Universal Studios Orlando Resort, where she works, she actually flipped again and said a flat out NO! Contradiction? FUCK YEAH! Well, here are the breaking news of the day; she is willing to see Greg, IF Greg comes up with a honest, heart-felt apology to my parents!

So one of my birthday presents was getting back my text messages. I can text now and recieve texts. I text Greg throughout the afternoon to let him know the news. After a while I stopped texting and he called me and asked me what was going on. I let him know EXACTLY what my mom said, he most come up with an apology, nothing forced, to come back again into "the circle of trust." He already is basically in the circle number 2; the one formed by me and my friends, but the biggest one is the one with my family. Say he never comes in and we get married; our marriage will be a LIVING HELL if we don't have the trust of my parents.

It will be über hard to please my mother, at least for him at the moment. We are not planning to rush our relationship, but if we want to have it as healthy as it was in March, when my parents were alright with our decisions and whatever we would do, he has to show progress to me, my parents and my friends.

Yesterday was another thing. He texted me asking me if I was home alone. Of course, I knew what he wanted, a good fuck, but I wasn't. I was at the mall having a belated celebration of my birthday with all my close friends. Cristina took me to Build-A-Bear where I built a Hello Kitty. She is so cute; well both Cristina and my Kitty. Her name is Aiko and she plays a message "we love you Saki-chan!" Saki-chan is my Japanese nickname. My friends calls me Murasaki because I like the color Purple. Murasaki is Japanese for Purple. Damn, I think I said this in my last entry. Sorry if I am repeating it. Well, to be absolute honest and to continue talking about Greg and what not, Cris read what he wrote and questioned our relationship; me and G's. Yes, I admit that all the times we've seen each other in secret we have been having sex, but that doesn't mean that we are 100% rushing things. He does loves me; even if he can't say it right now because like he said "his feelings for me are slowly coming back again," he is not afraid to show that he loves me. He was the VERY FIRST person to call me to wish me a Happy Birthday last Saturday. Not only did he called me at 1:00 am on Saturday but he also called me 24 hours after to see how my birthday went. He remembered that I spent his actual 20th birthday with him and felt like it was only fair to call me since there are differences between him and my mother.

I hope it all gets resolved with a really good outcome. I won't have to be hidding anything anymore and I will not be faking a smile anymore.

Another thing that was absolutely right was what my friend Nikki said to my friend Lauren and I so WISHED that Cris and Corie would have been there to listen to what she said. Nikki and I have been best friends for 10 years. That's just about the same amount of years that I've been in Florida from Puerto Rico. Cris and I have been friends for about 5 years. Anyway, she said something that is absolutely true. She can recall of only TWO TIMES IN MY LIFE, where she has seen me happy, and both times involves Gregory Alan Wilson! The first was in 2002 when we met and became girlfriend and boyfriend for the first time. The second time was when we reunited in March of last year. I've always said this and I keep saying it; I have two saviors; Jesus Christ and Greg. Jesus is my spiritual Savior while Greg is my Earthly Savior. He has brought happiness to me, some suffering but I've forgotten about that, and an immense abundance of love. Thinking of him and our daughter Angel who passed away due to a miscarriage I had in 2002 was what allowed me to live again when I attempted suicide in 2003. Yes, I did saw the tunnel and Christ, but he wasn't alone, my daughter was in his arms, but it was thinking and wishing for the moment I had in March what kept me alive.

I am here thanks to so many people, God, Christ, my family, my friends, Angel and of course, Greg. What will I do without them?

Can You See Me Now?

2009-02-03T14:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I do this one thing of spying on my boyfriend's myspace. I rarely like to do that because I want to keep a sense of space between us. Not rush things and do whatever when we are ready. I am ready for anything but for some others not quite yet. Anyway, I've been thinking on using his screen name and his quote in a poem. He might have taken it from a song, but in case he hasn't, I really want to do something with it. Let's see.

Stands alone an lets the faith decide my way through is his screen name right now and seriously, I love that name for him. This is his quote:
"stands over the cliff with this last breath an takes a chance in life into the next. And waits as the sun sets through the horizon an as the clouds turns to light" I think they are both good.

I once did this, I used one of my friend's screen name and did a song with it. Her name is Alicia and most likely she is one of my best friend's. I haven't seen her since 2005 but I am always in touch with her. Well, it is a long story of how we met. There is this site, http://www.recoveryourlife.com where people who suffer from self-injury and eating disorders meets to talk out their problems. I was actually looking for people who are from Florida, just like me and I found this really nice girl, Alicia. We clicked well since the first time we spoke.
This is my little sister Alicia. Right now her life is about to become much more beautiful. She is expecting her second child. I hope it is a boy since she already has a baby girl. Her baby girl, whom I still have not met and want to meet badly, is so beautiful. Alicia herself is gorgeous. I truly mean this.

I don't know why am I speaking of Lici today. I think I have been thinking about her lots. I miss her too. I am hoping that someday in the near future I can take again another trip to Bartow and see her.
Anyway, last Saturday, January 31 was my 23 birthday. Let's be honest, I do not feel any different from when I was 22 or even 21. I think when I turn 25 it will begin to hit. Yesterday in my US Government class I told my study group that I turned 23 and someone told me that I don't even look like I am in my 18. That really shocked me. Can you please be the judge? That is me on the left. That picture is me looking quite funny actually. Have I a video blog that I made the same day took that picture. I could post it and seriously, it is very funny.

I've been thinking about Mega Con and how much fun it is going to be this year. I went last year and had TONS of fun, but it wasn't fun at all to have our car towed. That's what happened to my best friend Corie; he is the boyfriend AND most likely future fiancé of my best friend Cristina, all because he parked in a strip mall while we where at the convention center. Thank goodness our hotel is a 10 minute walk from the Orange County Convention Center and we can leave the car there. I am planing on cosplaying as some anime characters. First on Friday I will be Komatsu Nana or Hachi from the anime NANA. On Saturday I will be dressing up as my own character, Miss Murasaki Tsukiyama. She is a character from a manga that Cristina, Corie and I are writing. To be honest, I want to do her journal here on blogger. It will be a fictional journal but fun to read. I could do her sister's too, Chouko Tsukiyama. I have to think about it. Anyway, the last day of Mega Con I will be a character of Death Note. I believe her name is something like Naomi. I could be wrong. All I know is that she dresses all in black. Especially in black leather.

I have to go now. I have class tomorrow and I have not checked my missbimbo. Later!

Note to self

2009-01-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

http://yaminomatsuei.myfreeforum.org/index.php

an anime site to remember!

Beware Cougar

2009-01-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Five more days and I'll be 23. Not ficiton, it's a reality. I am almost there; two more years and I will be 25. I don't want to be twenty-five and unmarried. I will be twenty-five and with a child, but I am hoping that things do work out between me and Greg and somehow, he decides to make me his Mrs. Wilson.

Then again, I kindly and kind of hope he doesn't do this yet. Fear of hanging myself on the marital rope? Yeah, I kind of have it, but I have this small feeling that if he is the one, most likely we will be fine. After all, I've loved him since I was sixteen.

Anyway, this new post isn't about Greg and me but mostly about the whole shit that's going or well that happened between me and Cristina, my friend that in the last post I lashed at due to misinterpretation of all that happened with "The Jacket." It's all cleared out and if Cris actually reads the last post, please forgive me for all I said. I lashed out for no stinking reason and I don't mean all the horrid bullshit I said.

I did gave her my blogger information, or I will as soon as I finish writing this post. She will be a bit mad at the last post and the shit I said but I am already here saying that I am sorry so it is THIS POST the one that matters, the last one is past, this is the present.

She is totally right; I should and I will give her the jacket. She has no coat, or jacket and she has given me stuff, especially when we hang out she practically feeds me and she's paying for my Mega Con ticket. I need to give her a break and give her something she needs. The jacket is all hers.

But, now I am so thinking about Greg. I'm trying to stay awake past midnight so I can call him around 1am. I need to ask him if he is coming over tomorrow like I want him to. I am sure he will. I need to see him and talk to him, especially about what he asked me on Friday when he called me. I am so giving him an official second chance. He kind of was dating someone; until now we were an open relationship because he was afraid of making ourselves official after the fiasco that occurred last summer. Well, if we can work on our communication issues, for sure I will be willing to give Gregory Alan Wilson a second chance. He has been good to me lately to be honest. With the whole baby thing he has taken responsibility.

Okay, remember first post I said I am pregnant? I am, then again I feel like suing Planned Parenthood for giving me a bad test or something. NEVER TAKE A TEST IN THE AFTERNOON! Always take a test in the morning, it will give you best results.

I am exhausted at this very moment. All I am going to dream about is my pug girl Nana who is right now misbehaving in the living room. She is a fucking troublemaker. I'm telling you, if she was my actual own dog, I will NEVER take her to a dog park after what she did to my mother on Saturday. I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe some other time I will tell you all what happened.

I am going to go. I am really tired and in the need to sleep. I am not going to sleep now but as soon as I get a hold of G, I will go to bed. Later!

Cry Me A River

2009-01-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

Please bitch! If you want something so badly, why didn't you get it first. Cry me a fucking long ass river.

That goes to my best friend Cristina who just because my other two friends said that the new jacket I got looks like it is her style I am going to give it to her. She is so fucking mistaken, but then again, just because I am sick of fighting against her very pathetic cause, I am going to be nice enough to her and let her have this piece of cloth that is as of right now giving me a fucking headache.

Who the fuck is going like a freaking car or making car noises here in the library as I write? It is annoying me!

I really want to get this whole shit off my chest and seriously put out that I do find her absolutely pathetic and that I am just going to do what she wants me to do, I will give her the jacket and I will tell her that she better take it or else i will burn it. I didn't even buy this jacket. My friend Maya's grandmother gave it to me from her thrift store. Cris keeps on arguing to me that why does this jacket matters so much to me when I didn't even bought it or it wasn't really a present. She's right about that but it matters because it makes me look fucking professional and also it is my Hachi coat. If I wanted to cosplay as Hachi from NANA, I could wear this jacket, but no... she has to come and say that she wants it. God, she always does that, I have something and she will want it. Not always really, I mean, I want Greg, my boyfriend but she doesn't want him of course. She has Corie. At least that right there we respect. We don't go craving or wanting each others boyfriends.

She better take this jacket whether she still likes it or not. I don't give a damn. If I have to shove it to her somewhere I will but this jacket will be hers. I am done arguing with her and I am serious.

So I took a quiz today about politics and my political views and it wasn't much to my surprise that it labeled as a liberal. Then again, it had to be part of a homework that had to do with those ideologies. I love US Government class.

Mass Media Communications Survey was pretty neat. We watched an actor named Joshua Kane perform some of the best works of Edgar Allan Poe. It was pretty awesome and gosh, you can totally notice that he worked with Vincent Price because he sounded a lot like him!

I couldn't go to my Intermediate Algebra class. I know it was bad on my behalf but it would have been disrespectful for Sensei Frazier to see me show up 15 minutes after class has begun. So I just went to the Math Lab, turned in my Redemption Card to use the lab and after that, I went to the library and did part of my US Government homework.

Then today I had my Environmental Science class. It was fun until we had this whole activity which we turned the whole classroom into a courtroom and suddenly it sounded like members of the Valencia Community College Debate Team were there. We had a debate, or a "court case" on whether an endangered tree species has as much rights as a human being. Well, the ones who were against the whole thing won the case. I was and still am for the cause.

Speaking of causes, have I mentioned that I am a supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms? Well, because of my past experiences with self-injury, I am an active member of such nonprofit organization. I am thinking of joining environmentalist causes but still I am not going to become a vegetarian. Though, I could be partially vegetarian. I won't drink nasty soy milk, though it isn't nasty, it just has a funny taste and I just can't give up dairy and some meats. Anyway, I am really exhausted for the day. You all don't know what's like waking up as early as 5:00am to the sound of three dogs, still be laying in bed and have your mom with a pug come to you and see if you truly get up but still you roll on bed and finally awake as late as 8:15am. That's why I was late for class and why I did not go to class.

Good night bloggers!

Baby It's Cold Outside

2009-01-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas might be over but the cold weather is not. WOW! And back home is pretty cold too. I don't know where I would rather be. The Sahara Desert? Nah, too hot and no water. I guess I will have to survive in here. I don't mind it at all. It feels really nice. At least it isn't like way up north where it is about below 0 degrees or so. I can manage. What I can't manage with is the little choir of pugs or the pug duet I have here in the office.

On June 6th of 2008, my mother, boyfriend and me decided to go out for a little while and finished the day buying a very cute male pug puppy who we named Hachiko. The story of his name is after Hachiko the Akita who lived most of his life at the Shibuya train station in Japan. I am a huge Japan/anime fanatic and of course part of the reason why I named this dog Hachiko is due to the anime NANA. Then again, I have a female pug named Nana too.

We bought her on August 12 of 2008. She is adorable and so playful. Of course, she has her little bad habits. Hachi's bad habit is the one of eating his leavings as well of attempting to mount both of our girls. He is only nine months old, almost ten and he is a horny boy. Drives us all here at the house nuts. He is cute and playful and loves my boyfriend, but Nana is a pain sometimes. She loves bitting a lot. Not that Hachi is not a bitter. But before Nana my mom fell in love with a Basset Hound which we bought and named her Agatha. Now, THIS is our spoiled brat. I spoil Hachi and sometimes Nana, but Aggie is one spoiled brat. She loves to play, sleep in every bed in this house. If you don't take her outside quickly, she will throw a doggy fit at you. This is our royal pain in the ass. Not to mention, she had her first heat.

Well, today I took it easy, really easy... enough to not do anything. Then again, I barely have a thing to do. I might do some stuff tomorrow but I am not sure. I am hoping my boyfriend comes over tomorrow since I haven't seen him for so long.

That's all folks!

First new post... FUCK!

2009-01-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

Hello and here I am as my Mass Media Communication professor advised, I have created a blog! Okay, this is the part where I allow you to jump up and down for my latest achievement. Then again, I've had accounts here on blogger before but I decided to make my blog a bit more formal. I still don't like the title I've given to my page but what the... I'll say it, fuck. This is college and I don't really care of I will be reprehended for cursing out. Like fuck is a bad word. Actually it has been proven that the "Fuck" was truly "F.U.C.K," an abbreviation for "Fornicating Under Concent of King." When you fornicate you FUCK!

I will try my best to keep this blog as funny as possible, but I am not always a funny person. Here are a few things you should know about me... and I will make it 100! I am only kidding, I will make it 10.

1. Don't ever call me by my given name of Eloisa, always call me Ellie. Those you calls me Eloisa are Fucked!

2. I am woman.... hear me PMS! Wait a minute, I can't PMS right now because I am PREGNANT! First baby, by the way. It took me a long time. By the rate I was in high school, having sex since I was 16, I thought I was going to be popping a baby by junior year. Then again, that almost happen. *Sadness coming up* I had a miscarriage at 16.

3. I am in love with the same guy that got me pregnant at the age of 16. I might talk about him A LOT on this amazing blog. YES, he is the father of the baby I am having right now. NO, we have not been together for 6 years. YES, I have been in love with him for that long. NO, I don't love or want anyone else... unless you are a nice, fun and sexy female.

4. I am bisexual. I came out of the closet when I was 16 and I am still having a battle with my mother about my sexuality. Trust me, I am careful; I don't sleep with everyone and the only guy I've never been protected with is the guy I've known for six years. Just because we had a long gap, doesn't mean that I don't know who he has been with and such. Then again, he isn't anti-birth control. We just don't want to use them. I strongly suggest to the bisexual women reading this blog to contact me if you'd like an encounter. I'm a feline in la cama.

5. I am multi talented. Ask my boyfriend. I'm only kidding on that. Not just sexual talents, but also I am talented in the arts. I write, sing, songwrite, write music, play piano, play guitar, dabble in photography, and create amazing fashion designs.

6. I am writing a book. I could publish it on here under another blog, I think. It is my memoir and I have called it "Among the Dead: The Memoirs of a Fallen Angel." Yes, the title was taken from a line of "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. I have the cover art done. Oh, yeah, there it is! I posted it!

7. I support the non-profit organization called To Write Love On Her Arms due to the fact that I used to self-injure or how ever you want to call it; self-mutilate, self-harm... myself for 2003 until 2005. I admit that I've done it but back then it was an everyday thing. I am telling you all, I have a very dark, sick side.

8. Not only am I going to share this blog with everyone in my class but I am well aware that I am sharing it with the whole world. I am not ashamed of the things I am saying here. Truly, I do not care one bit of what people will say about this blog. Read it if you want, if not, I believe there are by far other blogs more interesting than this one.

9. Besides writing, music is my life. Like I said before I am well involved in music by my many talents but I do want to have a career in journalism by writing in a music magazine or by broadcasting in a music station.

10. My biggest goal in life is to own my online magazine, a music/clothing store with a

piercing/tattoo parlor in it. I will still attempt to do music but these are my biggest goals. I am in the process of fulfilling one goal that I've always wanted to fulfill and that is becoming a mother. A thing that I was not sure if I was going to be able to fulfil when I was diagnosed with Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.

There you have it, my introduction. It isn't a lot but at least it tells you a bit about myself. Of course, this is naturally how I am, and I am not talking about the picture, I am talking aobut the writing. I say things like these all the time. I need to make people laugh every now and then. I find that seriousness can cause so many diseases and who the fuck wants to die of diseases. Laugh! Cheese and Rice! For once in your life, read a little silly thing like this one and laugh out loud!